Lately, I have been pretty burned out with school, the people here, and just life in general. It is hard to see all the people around me working so hard, while I am having trouble just getting out of bed in the morning. I feel guilty for not being able to fully take advantage of the opportunities I have right now, and I am scared that my time here will be a waste if i can’t find my motivation again.
There are many reasons why I can’t seem to motivate myself these days:
- I have been struggling with anxiety and depression the past year or so, but it has been worse the past 6 months. I did therapy, which helped a lot, but now I am lost again since I have to switch therapist, which I don’t want to. He has helped me so much, and it’s hard that I can’t see him anymore. I feel like everyone I need in my life here, just disappears, or hurt me.
- Living in Southern California is great, it’s a dream come true. Problem is, I don’t have a car or a license. I can’t get ANYWHERE. I am basically walking to wherever I have to go because public transportation is pretty much non existing here. Being a super adventurous individual, used to being able to go wherever I want, whenever I want, this feeds my depression, because I feel trapped.
In addition, I can’t get an internship, because LA is (close, but) too far away. Without an internship, I can’t get the connections I need to be able to get a job after I graduate. Evil circle.
- Money. I can’t get a job here, because I am an international student. Which means, with my budget… I can afford food. That’s pretty much it. Some times, I grow some balls and ask my parents for some extra money for concerts. Concerts = Where I can relax, and be with crazy people like me.
- I don’t feel like I have any REAL friends here. I mean, I have people to hang out with here and there, but will they stay after we graduate?? I am very unsure, I don’t like to waste my time on shallowness. I try to keep in contact with the people I want in my life, but when it feels One Sided, it’s hard, cause you feel you push yourself onto someone who doesn’t need you. This place is very “Click-y”, i’m not part of any group because I am a foreigner.. The American’s hang, the other countries hang, everyone has someone from their own country to speak with in the program, I don’t really.
Being so far away from home, it would be nice to have at least ONE person you could tell EVERYTHING to. This school, it’s like it has the flu, if you tell one person, it spreads like a virus. Everything really builds up inside of you, I have had multiple breakdowns, multiple times I just want to give up and go home. I can’t even tell my parents, because they would get worried if they knew.
- There’s so many things I want to do. I have people telling me, including myself, JUST DO IT! It’s not always that easy. When you’re down, it’s hard to get up when “no one” is there to help you.
- I want to go to the gym, but I feel too fatigued most of the time, at least I manage to work out a few times a week now, which is a GREAT improvement from a few weeks ago, plus I walk everywhere as I said.
- I want to learn all these new softwares! For editing, for music, for VFX, for graphics! But then I have to go to school, and the shuttle is only in service certain hours, and never on time.
- I want to make all this music, so many ideas! but then again, I have to go to school. I can’t stand being at school, I have too many negative connections, I really need a break from it and the people there.
- I want to go get an american bank account (which I will this week, hopefully!), but my social anxiety keeps me from doing it.
- I want to go take the written test for my drivers license (I’ve given myself until July 12th to get it done), again, my social anxiety is so strong here I have to man up for weeks to get things done.
- And seriously! The health system/ insurance, my school’s childishly unorganized administration, the amount of money I have to pay for stuff I don’t get anything back from, and general system here, KILLS my patient, and test my anger to the very limit. If I have to check myself into a clinic after my time here, it wouldn’t surprise me (joke, but not a joke).
I don’t want to be negative, I am really not by nature, but this depression makes it hard to be the optimist that I am. I do believe everything will be fine in the End, the road is just very hard!
All in all, I am extremely Grateful and Thankful for being able to pursue my dreams in the film industry (going from Norway, to England to California). I just hope I hope I don’t burn out before I can begin.
-Pius The Explorer-