I Choose to be Happy?

I follow a lot of “motivational” and “think positive” accounts on Instagram and Twitter, mostly they help and say good stuff, but some times they come up with things that just makes me feel bad about my situation.
The worse one is this: Happiness is a Choice.
Well, because I didn’t exactly choose to feel like I do. It’s not a choice I made. I still try and use it, in the hope that it will work, sometimes it does, but only as a distraction and it’s equal to me pretending to be fine when i’m not. So basically, it’s being something i’m not, and i’m tired of that. I’m not naturally a negative or pessimistic person, I call myself an optimistic realist! So having depression is a weird thing for me at times, it’s definitely not a choice to be depressed, so how can it be a choice to be happy?

I’m not someone who talks down to myself. Each day when I wake up, I tell myself I can do this! Every night I tell myself, tomorrow, I’ll do all these things on my list, I can do it! I will do it! These people who don’t seem to care, they don’t matter because I don’t want people like that in my life anyway! I will find a job! I will find an apartment! It’s all gonna be okay!

Even with these positive thoughts, there are evil coming through that breaks me down.

My self-belief, my self-worth, my energy, it’s being pushed down to the point where I can end up doing absolutely nothing for a whole day. Then I feel bad for another wasted day.

I understand what they mean with “choosing” to be happy, but it’s not that simple for everyone. When someone who hasn’t been depressed and doesn’t know anything about it comes to me an tries and feed me this information i’ve presumably hasn’t been aware of before, it hurts me deeply. I’ve had people getting angry at me because “Why can’t you just be happy”, “Just be like her, she’s always happy”, this is when you don’t feel good enough, because the world expects you to be perfectly happy, all the time.

It’s a lot of pressure for someone who can’t be at that level all the time.

And I just want people to know that it IS okay to NOT be happy all the time.
It’s only natural in a world like this.
It’s only natural if the chemistry in your brain is all fucked up!
Yes, not your fault, not my fault.
If you haven’t heard the words serotonin, cortisol or dopamine in recent time, don’t lecture me about “Choosing to be happy”, please!
I’ve tried most things, and I still try, every day. I eat healthy, I work out regularly. I don’t give up. But when someone comes a long and says I’m not trying hard enough, or have the wrong attitude, you don’t know what you’re talking about.

And honestly, some times, some of those “happy friends” of yours, and you… smoke a lot of weed.. haha.. of course they’re happy.. but it’s not real, it’s an escape from reality.
Yeah that was pointed at a specific person, maybe you don’t have those kinds of ignorant people in your life.. I don’t either anymore, thankfully! 😉

Somewhere I read (need to find it again, might be an unreliable weirdo who said it but Hey, aren’t we all!) that some say people with mental health issues have a higher understanding of life.

Think about that.




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