(Disclaimer: this post is about real shit)
My depression has come to the point where i’m not really sad anymore, I just don’t care. I find most things to be pointless because we’re all going to die anyway. It’s leaving me unmotivated to do things I should do, like applying for jobs, getting my social security number, eating healthy, exercise.. basically most things. I can’t get out of bed until 1pm, that’s the time my bodyclock is currently in. I’m trying to change it, placing my alarm across the room, making plans of what to do and other things, but I just go back to bed for “just a few more minutes”, which always fails of course haha.
One of the issues is that I don’t have anyone I feel cares around me. My whole family, and friends are in another country. Most days I don’t interact with anyone. I care about a lot of people, but this last year, I’ve had so many people I cared about letting me down, ignoring me, stopped communicating and just showing me that I’m not important to them. It hurts, really bad, and since this has been happening my whole life i’m used to it by now, the only difference now is that, for the first time, I have nobody physically around me that cares. I have people that want me for work, I have people who wants me for my body, I feel like a tool, and not a human-being. I have no-one that’s there if I need to talk, if I need a hug, if I need anything real. It’s fucking me up pretty bad. It makes me feel de-humanised.
Even my former therapist told me that “it might be hard to find other people who thinks and value this like you“… when I talk about finding loyal friends? People who value loyalty, and being there for each other?? People who are real, honest, and can communicate? The fact that this is a hard thing to find, scares me. To me it’s basic ingredients to any relationship. But I think the world has become too selfish and most people only care about themselves… Especially in this city of La La Land.
And then you have all those people who are scared of anything negative, anything real, who talks about not having negativity around them.. You know, those people who makes you feel bad about having depression and you feel you have to pretend everything is awesome or else they’ll leave you too. Or that happiness is a choice, and you feel guilty that you can’t get out of this dark thing you apparently chose?
It’s hard to open up about depression and anxiety when this is the way the world works. I have opened up about my social anxiety many times, because that is something I can’t hide a lot of the times. Usually it ends up with them being offended as they think it’s about them (as people are selfish), or that they tell you to just face you fears (which I already am), or “think positive”, or they get mad and ignore you because you need a little time to be comfortable around a large group of people, or they claim to know how it is but you know they don’t as they can’t understand what’s happening. Social anxiety is very different from shyness, or normal anxiety around people.. It’s crippling, a lot of times my brain just shuts down and so does my body. And having people telling me that it’s not real, just do this and this, that’s how they got through it, and then get frustrated. It doesn’t help, in fact I would rather just not put myself in these situations anymore, it only makes me feel guilty for making their life so hard.
Another issue is my fear of death. Or dealing with the fact that’s we’re all gonna die. If the thought enters my head, I have to shut it down cause I can feel the panic instantly. Then I think about time, how basically everything is over. Nothing I do will be remembered, by me, by anyone. Nothing anyone does matter. It may matter in that present moment, but in history, it’s just a tiny, tiny fraction of time.. I feel like, I’m already dead, so what’s the point? Nothing I do will be remembered anyway, so what’s the point? It scares the shit out of me. This actually helped me with anxiety once though, I was going to a job interview and I was really nervous, but then I thought that basically, this interview is over, it has already happened, so no need to worry because you did it already. It took away a lot of the anxiety.
When I tell other depressed/formerly depressed people, or my former therapist, that I will never be suicidal because I’m too scared of death. I feel they don’t take my depression seriously. You know, you basically have to be suicidal for even the doctors to take you seriously, like I could probably not even get into an inpatient treatment program because I’m not a danger to myself or others. But honestly, I have the same thoughts as a suicidal person anyway, except I don’t wanna kill myself. Does that make sense? I feel worthless and that most people don’t care and wouldn’t notice if I disappeared, I feel life is pointless and already over, I’m unmotivated to do anything, even the things I love like music. But I don’t really feel sad, I feel what people describe as numbness, but to me that is the feeling of Empty. There’s just nothing in there, no care, no sadness, no happiness, no motivation, just hollow, emptiness.
The weird thing is, I feel quite happy most times when I forget about the fact that we’reall dying. I have a lot of things to be grateful for, and I am, everyday! It’s like, I feel my inner core, is pretty happy cause i’m not a negative person! Then I got all these evil things growing on top of it that sucks away any reason, any life.
I almost desperately need to find a new therapist, but I can’t even get myself to do that right now. I don’t know what to do anymore to get my motivation back. I wish I could just go traveling for a year, by myself, to everywhere. And I just need one person physically around me who would be there for me, as much as I would for them.
Sorry if this post is sad or if I got out of track or whatever. I just need to get it out somewhere.