Went to a bar,
Wasn’t really far.
Had a drink or two,
To feel comfortable around all of you.
– Pius bad poem writer –
Recently, I have been hanging out with this random group of people that suddenly came into my life after a guy randomly started talking to me at a convention and he happened to live close to me. This guy is very social, the more “friends” (I always realise I have higher expectation of my actual friends, after 1 day, you don’t count as a friend as I don’t know if you’ll be there for me yet haha), the better. Always looking for new people to ‘recruit’ to the group. First time I went out with him, he basically left me with his friend to go find some new friends.. And I was just like: Okay, well that’s nice after you tried to hit on me (I have so many stories about this guy already that makes my inner feminist scream in frustration.. but that’s for other posts/future book). x)
With me meeting many new people at once, it makes me super nervous, and quiet. So I usually need a few drinks to be socially acceptable (to others) and not having people telling me I’m quiet, look bored, look uncomfortable and blahblah. And honestly, I don’t like to be around people that makes me feel like I have to drink you know haha.
Anyway, most of the people in this group, would not understand it if I told them I had pretty bad social anxiety, general anxiety disorder and major depression, because of cultural differences. Which is why I don’t even wanna tell them. Usually I don’t mind putting it out there (my social anxiety) when I feel really uncomfortable and people comment on it, but most of these people are from countries that is way behind on mental health. I mean, even here, a lot of people don’t take it as something real.
So my struggle is hiding this in front of these people. This guy basically suggest things every day for the group to hang out and/or drink. I can’t drink every day! Also, can’t afford eating/drinking out every day. With my current anxiety symptoms I get a 2 day hangover after like 2 beers haha! Plus, I don’t wanna drink alcohol every day anyway, I’m sort of done with the party life. Also, after one night of spending time with like 20 people (younger than me), I need to go back and recharge for a day haha x)
But I am proud of myself for hanging with a large group for 3 days this week. Even went to karaoke. It’s an accomplishment for sure! And I feel i’m getting a little better at it… I still suck badly at small talk though haha. I’m always worried that these people will leave me before I get the chance to feel comfortable enough to be my 100% self without alcohol. But I also feel pressured in this group to live up to a certain social standard that I can never do, cause it’s not me!! And this has already kicked out a bunch of people for not being “cool” enough.x)
Most of the people there are pretty cool though, so we’ll see how this go in the future ! At the moment I’m just happy to have people to hang out with that’s not from school *-*