Carried the sound of my voice,
When I called you out
On your bullshit choice.
It was music to my ears,
but it fed my deepest fears.
– Pius the Bad Poet –
Recently I’ve had to deal with some people that push my limits pretty bad. I’m not someone who seek out conflicts, arguments and fights. I tend to let people be angry, and then not participate until they’ve cooled down. I believe there’s always a way to discuss things without it getting heated and people getting hurt..
Now on to the real reason why I don’t wanna be involved in conflicts: Because I myself have anger issues and are worried what’s gonna happen if I let the anger-monster out. I’m worried if I get angry, I’ll say something that will hurt somebody, or i’ll act in a way that may seem crazy. I am a very observant person. I’m quiet, I’m a good listener, I study body language/signals (tonal changes, texting language), and I’ll probably remember everything you ever told me, so if I come to a point where i’m pissed off, I don’t know what I might say. And what I might say could ruin a lot of things. So for me it’s easier to take the shit, than cause the shit.. Sadly that has caused a lot of damage in me obviously.
Anyway, I’ve talked about my anger-monster before, but recently, I’ve also come to a point where I just don’t care anymore… These people create conflicts out of nothing, they act like they’re in high school when they’re adults, and it’s plain stupid at times. What happened today, it was only a small thing, but after all the other things that has happened, it almost ended up being the last I wanted to take from these people.
Here it goes:
We are a group of multi-lingual people. One night, some went out. Which is obviously fine and not the problem. The problem for me was that the next day, they posted pictures and wrote things like “Wish more could come”. And I was thinking.. Wait, this was not posted in our group? No body told me about it. And I’m sure they didn’t tell a lot of other people. Some said “Oh I didn’t see your message about it”. Which meant that SOME people had gotten personal invites. I felt at this point that they were excluding people, and it pissed me off so much. I felt like being in elementary school and being that one kid that wasn’t invited to the birthday party and everyone was talking about how fun it was the next day. It hurt me. If this was the first time they excluded people, I would let it go, but a lot of people have already left because apparently they’re not good enough. I’ve never experienced this much drama in my life haha. So I didn’t really wanna cause any more drama by pointing out that maybe next time before complaining about not more people joining they should invite everyone. I contemplated just leaving the group, because these things just keep happening and I can’t have untrustworthy people in my life anymore. Instead I chose to voice my opinion (in a rather passive-agressive-sarcastic-“i’mnotmadbut” way). One then said that it was posted in the group… but in a language not everyone understood (which I pointed out was exclusion of those that didn’t understand it). One of the problems with the group is that NO ONE EVER speaks up.. and I’m sitting here like.. am I the ONLY one with issues here?? Or are you all so in love with this guy who’s the “leader/organiser” that you’ll accept his every move.. I don’t get it. But I’ve had enough of it. And I was thinking, if they don’t wanna hang out, then I don’t mind leaving the group, why would I wanna hang out with them if that was the case haha. So I needed to clear this up, or at least make them understand for future situations that what they did are exclusion, and if they want this to be a “community” or “group of close friends” or whatever, they can’t do that. But now after voicing my opinion, I feel like a bitch ! haha Mostly cause the time the other people were thrown out, I voiced my opinion too because it was so wrong.
I KNOW I am very opinionated, also I’m very dominating and don’t back down when I “know” I’m right… I’m just not used to actually talking about my views in fear of getting angry, or emotional. I always listen to the other side though, and accept their views and perception even if it’s different from mine.
Just.. I now feel like the bitch of the group because I say what I mean. And speak up if I find things unfair. It also makes me feel guilty, since I feel I made some drama if i’m the only one who is thinking about treating people equally. Certain things I just can’t tolerate and this group happens to do a lot of these things. I’m worried now that they actually don’t want me to join in on things haha. That’s where the anxiety takes me: you cause arguments, no one’s gonna like you! But that’s not always true, people are allowed to get angry. Like my therapist said: Do you find people crazy when they get angry? And of course I don’t… mostly haha And even if I did, I know people get angry, it’s only human, so why can’t I let myself be angry without feeling guilty about it?
I feel it’s a good exercise for me though, to work on standing up for myself and getting angry without it getting out of control or me getting too emotional. And I feel this group situation has given me some good practice. I feel, the less I care (I’d already had enough by this point) and the more unfair the situation, the less I’m worried about standing up for myself and others. I’m worried though, about the person I’ll become if I have no fear of voicing my opinion haha! But I also think I would be able to do good things haha